The ME Hat

As I ventured out around 1:00 today to where my heart led me, my mind told me all the reasons I shouldn't.  Even though I worked on mom's move til 1:00 last night, there was still plenty to do.  As I headed towards 295, I told myself I could just go sit by the lake at Innsbrook and catch some rays there.  It would save me three hours of driving time.  So...at the last second I turned onto Church instead of going straight.  Immediately, I knew that wasn't gonna do it. I made the first u-turn, following my original plan.

As I drove down 295 to 64 with my sunroof open, feeling the sun on the right side of my have and arm, I realized that the journey is in fact, a very important part of the trip.  The driving time allows for thinking, processing, and at times a little mindfulness.  It also allows for daydreaming-specifically today about the fact that a convertible would be the icing on the cake and that one must return to my life in the near future. (Isn't my daughter going to be driving soon?!)

Now that I'm sitting here on Yorktown beach, beside the York River, under a sky as perfect fly blue and clear as one could ask for and a radiant sun warming my skin, I realize that substations if this experience just wouldn't do.

Substitutions don't have the sound of the seagulls flying overhead, or the sailboats gliding by.  They don't have the soft sand that I can dig my toes into, or the lapping of the water hitting the shore or the cool, gentle breezes.  They don't offer an entire beach all to just me.

This is exactly where I need to be today.  The week's are always full of so very much.  We wear our mom hats, our wife hats, our daughter and sister hats.  We wear our work hats and our bill-paying hats.  We wear of friend hats and our worrying hats.  We wear the hat that loves and takes care of the pets. In all of that, we struggle to switch them back and forth each day and get it all done.  It's almost impossible to stop for a moment and put on the "ME" hat.  So, I decided to pull that one out for today.  And it's okay for you too. I know you deserve it...just like I did; and in the end, warring this hat for just a few hours today will fill me up with the energy and resilience that I'll need as soon as I'm heading home to begin wearing all the other hats in the box.

Just Show Up

Last week, I sat at a memorial service for a dear friend.  She was a friend I'd not known nearly as long as many others in my life, but she touched me dearly and deeply.  In just a span of little more than 6 years, she became enmeshed in my life as perfectly as a beautifully knitted and comfortable sweater. 

Linda became so many things to me.  She was like a sister, friend and mother, all rolled into one.  She always met you, just where and how you needed her to be.  Linda was little more than 10 years my senior, but I'd missed sharing so much of that "ideal" mother-daughter relationship with my own mother, that Linda, without even trying, just filled that emptiness and let me experience what I needed to, never realizing the joy she was giving.  Linda was way too young to die, but in her short time here, she did so much good.  

Although public speaking is not my thing, I am much more comfortable in the coziness of my writing, I was so honored and humbled to have been asked to say something at her memorial service and to have the opportunity to share what a blessing she was to me and so many others. As I sat down to write what I would say, it wasn't hard because every thought that came to me was of so much good.  

One by one, each person got up to say something about this beautiful person, and a recurring theme became evident.  There was never a thing Linda was asked, where her answer wasn't "YES".  More often than not, Linda was there without ever even being asked, and sometimes without being known.  She didn't do her work for recognition or praise.  She did it because it was the thing to do and it gave her true joy. In listening to each tribute, I realized that Linda was so much more than I'd ever realized.  Her heart was open and overflowing and she just showed up...always.  

As I sat there listening with tears streaming down my face, I reflected on how often I might have offered to help, or told someone to call if they needed anything, but I am not sure how often I've just showed up. Linda showed that to me personally, and I saw it in the way she lived it over and over again.  I thought back on how during Palmer's illness some years ago, people did just that...they showed up, without my ever having to ask.  I probably wouldn't have ever asked for what I needed; so people that are just there with open arms truly are a blessing.

I have always considered myself somewhat of a giver, almost to a fault, but in listening to the stories of Linda's life, I realize that she was a giver from an entirely different place.  Linda gave openly and freely.  Linda never expected anything back, nor felt any animosity or frustration about where her giving took her; probably because there was never any secondary agenda.  She was just doing what was right and good. She gave from the core of her being and the bottom of her heart.  I truly believe if there was anyone that loved and lived like God would want us to, it was Linda.


Lastly, I realized that the last time I spent time with Linda was last fall, after one of our counting Sundays at church.  We'd finished tallying the offering and had talked about getting together one Sunday after church. Unfortunately, she got sick shortly after that.  Although I kept in contact through texts, emails and notes and cards, letting her know I cared, was thinking about her and was keeping her in prayers; I never just showed up.  I so wanted to see her and talk with her, just be with her. But I didn't want to "bother" her; maybe she wouldn't be up to a visitor, maybe she'd be sleeping, so many thoughts of why I should wait.  But I realized in never showing up, I missed my chance to say goodbye.  I hope that she knew how much I loved her/

I have thought quite a bit about all of this over the last month since I first got the news that Linda had passed away. I know regret is a useless emotion, but I do believe that there is a gift in the lesson that we can take away.  I hope that now when I see an opportunity or a need, or especially a moment to share with someone I care about, I won't hesitate...I'll just show up.

She was gift to everyone who knew her.

Kira and I had stopped for a quick bite before her volleyball practice.  One of her favorite places to eat was Chipotle.  It was a healthier choice and right on the way to volleyball, so it always made sense. I had just opened up the shiny foil on that big fat burrito and had taken my first bite.  Kira sat across from me about half finished.  She'd started ahead of me and  I'd thought we'd be sharing one burrito, but she'd had other ideas, so I'd ordered my own.  As I took the second bite, I glanced at the incoming messages on my iPhone. I saw one from Good Shepherd, my home church, for a prayer request.  I received email requests most days asking for prayer for everything from a struggling family who'd lost a job to a doctor's skill in a tricky operation to peace for a family who'd lost a loved one.  Although I often did not personally know many of those requesting prayer, each time I received one, I tried to stop in my busyness and say a prayer for them and also a prayer of thankfulness for what seemed like an abundance of blessings in my own life.  This time, as I glanced at that request, my breath was taken away.  For a moment,  everything stopped.  My hunger and the joviality of the moment gone, I wrapped up my meal and just stared at the email on my phone.

"Linda Horst claimed the promise of resurrection today."  

I know this was supposed to be an uplifting message, but it wasn't.  Linda wasn't supposed to be gone. I knew she'd been struggling with pancreatic cancer, which I knew was one of the most evil, but I just knew Linda was going to be okay.  We were still going to meet for that lunch we'd been talking about.  I mean, wasn't it just a year ago, while Linda and I were counting the Sunday offering, that she was all excited, telling me all about the new curtains and furniture that she'd chosen for her sweet little townhouse??  How many times had she talked about her dear little Thomas, the grandchild that was the apple of her eye?  How could all that be DONE??  I felt heartbroken and devastated.   

Although Linda wasn't much older than I, she was so wise and knowing and I always looked up to her, almost like a mother-figure.  She filled in so many empty spaces in my life that I'd known had not been tended.  She was everything anyone would want in a mother.  I am so often the giver, but Linda was one of those people that filled my cup (and everyone else's) over and over again.  She had so much beauty and wisdom where the light just shined through her.  I felt like she always had it all under control and just in the security of one of her hugs could make everything okay. 

Nothing ever seemed like a challenge or a hardship for her, even though I am sure at times she was tired and overwhelmed.  Anytime I ever reached out to her for anything, she was almost there before I was finished asking.  Often, she showed up before I even knew I needed her.  She was a gift and she just knew.  

When I was going  through an especially overwhelming time several years ago in cleaning out my parents' home of 35 years and getting it ready to go on the market, Linda was there with me through the whole thing. Week after week, she showed up.  She went through years of trash and treasure, (but mostly trash), carried so many boxes and bags down two flights of stairs, made runs to the dump, just doing the mess of what I had to get through.  To this day, I am still not sure I would have survived through it without her help, but mostly without her love, friendship and encouragement.  Even on the last night before it all had to be out, Linda was with us well after midnight, helping us move my sister and her kids to their new place.  I couldn't understand this grace. Such  undeniable, unconditional love and giving touched me, and I could accept it as she gave it with such humility and graciousness.  I am still awed at such selflessness.  I know I am not alone in my story.  I heard her speak often of friends she was helping or other things she was doing to ease someone else's load.  Everything she did, well it just seemed like it came from the fullness of a joyful, giving heart.  If there was anyone that truly walked and worked like Jesus would want us to, it was Linda.   

Linda was just one of those people that was a gift to everyone she knew. She was one of the kindest people I've ever known. I first met Linda when I returned to a church that I used to attend before our move to Jacksonville.  Linda was one of the first people to greet me and make me feel welcome.  I never came in the door again that she didn't have a smile and one of her warm hugs waiting for me.  I do not think it will ever feel quite the same again, walking into Wistar Hall and not seeing her there.  making the world better along the way.  

She was truly a dear and amazing soul.  She lived as a shining example of leading a life of loving, giving and service,

I do not believe God ever takes someone because He needs an angel, but I've no doubt that now Linda's precious soul is in in His heaven, she is an angel to everyone that knew her, smiling down on all the love that she left in each of us.  

God rest your soul, sweet Miss Linda.  I love you my beautiful friend and I will truly miss you dearly.  ♥

A Life Well Lived...

John David Meintel

4/20/63-5/4/13

John was my cousin, but the relationship we shared was so much more than that. I loved him like a brother and know our bond was as tight as any sibling connection could ever be. We were close for as far back as I can remember. For both sides of our families, the cousin count was small.  We really only had the four of us-John, his sister, Pam, my sister, Terri and me.  Anytime there was a time we could spend together, we often found a way to be together.  The bond we shared was nurtured and tended by our amazing grandparents that always kept that connection alive.  They were the ones that made the drive from Richmond to Seaford on almost every holiday, over summer vacation-anytime that we could find a way to be together.  They loved John dearly.  So much of who he was and the traits that shined in him, I believe, came from the example of goodness that he saw in them.

The things we did over all those years and the time we shared gave us so many opportunities to fill up the memory box.  Many of these memories were just shared with you by my sister and it’s no surprise that many of these same memories stand out to me as well. 

The many summer trips to Sandbridge were filled with fun and laughter.  Playing Password was always on the agenda and I can still hear John saying…”and the password is…”  John brought our family together on those trips.  He was like the glue that held us together and helped us laugh and just have fun.

Another big event that we all looked forward to each year was our traditional visit to the "real" Santa-they call him the ‘Legendary Santa’ now, but back then, we knew you only found him at the downtown Miller and Rhoads.  It was always a big outing.  Grandma and grandpa would take all four of us and we’d start with the yearly cousin picture, followed by a very fancy dinner in the Tea Room that always concluded with a piece of the Rudolph cake that we were told was made with Rudolph’s own hooves. We have Santa pictures from the time John was barely walking up until the time that he had grown his first mustache.  A lot of boys would have never done that, continuing to see Santa, but John knew how much it meant to Gram and that’s all that mattered.

Anyone that knew John, knew his love for music and music trivia. This goes way back.  He loved to do his mix tapes, and play DJ and his love for all of that took on a life of its own and it went by the name Johnny Mein.

And I wonder, how many hours did we spend together at Busch Gardens?

My sister and I often fought over John and whose turn it was going to be to play with him.  In the end though, I think I won because when I bought my first house here in Richmond almost 30 years ago, I asked John to move up here and be my roommate.   He said yes and we had some really great times together.

Many of you know John was passionate about body building. This started during his early 20s when we were roommates.  I never knew what I’d come home to John cooking, but I could pretty much expect it would have some egg whites in it.  John ate well and was a maniac about keeping fit.  He was the picture of health.  Suffice it to say that my habits and the food on my shelf of the frig were not quite so good, but John never judged me or made me feel inferior.  John judged no one.  That was not his nature. You always knew you were okay in John’s presence. 

He was the poster boy for tall, dark and handsome, well maybe mostly dark and handsome.  I can’t even remember how many of our friends had crushes on John through the years, but all of this came with a big heart too.  

It was during this time that John met Teri.  John was not a big talker, but during the time we lived together, I learned to read him and I began to wonder where he was going every night after his shifts at Captain George’s and whose grass he was cutting on the weekends. I didn’t quite figure it out until one day when I came home from work on a lunch break and when I walked in my front door, I was shocked to see three children that I’d never met watching TV in my living room.  John had been known for bringing home many a new pet, but this was the first time I’d encountered cute little kiddos! Shortly, I’d find out that these two adorable little girls, Krisstell and Katie and the handsome and polite young man, Nathan belonged to Teri.  I loved Teri from the start and she and I became close.  I was so happy for John and this new and beautiful family he had fallen in love with. In no time, they were married and were part of the family. Before long, we were excited to welcome Tara, Johnny and Jake and as we all know, the miracles continued to happen as John welcomed grandchild after grandchild into his heart.

John himself was a kid at heart.  He never fully grew up or lost that wonder of being a child.  No wonder all the kids adored him so.

                   John had a tremendous heart with so much love to share. I know he had tremendous love and pride for his family. Don't ever forget how much he loved you Teri, Nathan, Krisstel, Katie, Tara , Johnny and Jake.

John was slightly younger than me, having just turned 50 on April 20. No matter how you look at it, too young to die...too much living and loving and life unfinished.  John just seemed like one of those people that would always be here. 

Since Teri called me on Saturday morning, I have thought almost non-stop about John.  I can still not wrap my mind around the reality and the finality of him being gone.  I have stared at his pictures on Facebook and in my own albums, maybe somehow believing that if I looked long and hard enough, he’d be back. I have mourned for the loss of the things that his children and grandchildren will never experience with him. I have read and re-read all the posts from so many also feeling the disbelief and the shock of a loss such as this, but I have also read words that describe John and the wonderful and beautiful things of John’s legacy.  Words like quiet, simple, unassuming, kind, strong, a faithful believer.  One of my favorites was ‘gentle giant’.  This probably describes John about as well as anything could. 

Early Saturday morning, I had a thought of John just pop into my head out of nowhere.  I thought back on his heart problems from several years ago and thought to myself how glad I was that he was still with us, not knowing at that time what had happened.  I don’t believe this was a coincidence and I can't help but wonder if John was coming by on the way to his next adventure just to whisper and remind me we’ll always be connected. I've no doubt that our sweet gram, who loved him so much was waiting with open arms.  And if I know John, he arrived holding roses for her.

John, what any of us wouldn't do to have one more day with you, to see that impish grin that would get you out of just about anything. You had so much love and kindness in your heart. We all love you so much and there will always be an empty space in our hearts for you. Just as these memories will never die or be erased, neither can the love John gave us, nor the love we have for him.  These things shared with us will never die. 

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Rest in peace dear soul.

I will love you and miss you always. ❤

There but for the grace of God go I...

This is a post by my sister which really got me thinking.  She is the 47%.  

When Palmer was unexpectedly laid off from a new job in Florida when we'd lived there less than a year after relocating for my job with Embassy Suites, we made it and were able to stay because of the ability to avail ourselves to the unemployment program.  

We are the 47%.  

When my sweet grandma, one of the hardest working people I'll probably ever know, who worked every day, into her 80's when she was finally asked to retire, had to go into full time nursing care, Medicare is what made it possible.  

She was the 47%. 

 Most of us ARE the 47% or probably will be at one time or another in our lives.  

Many that aren't that 47% are probably out of touch.  Maybe they've never had a day in their life where they worried about how they'd feed their children.  Maybe they've never had to worry about a roof over their heads or clothes on their backs.  College probably seems an impossible dream for many and borrowing money from parents is a joke.  Many of that 47% are taking care of their parents, not the other way around.  

It can't be them and us...it just can't be.

Image Credit

9/11 is a day of remembering so much tragedy, sadness and horrific atrocities from hatred that erupted 11 years ago.  

Today's 9/11 brought good news and some sadness, happiness and joy, laughter and tears.  Each day is a time that allows us to NEVER forget, but to remember that the world goes on and continues to evolve, and we, as a people, continue to BE.   

We, along with the presence of God, (or your higher power), are the only things that can make the difference, and work towards the good that we want to see in world.  Don't let hate define you.  

In the end...Love always wins.

In the Middle...

The last several days, many of us have been caught up in a brewing controversy about Chick-fil-a and the recent comments made by their president, Dan Cathy regarding the company's stand on same-sex marriage, saying that CFA backs the traditional family unit.  This sparked great controversy from many that support and embrace LBGT groups, friends and just the belief that all are created equal.  I was right on that bandwagon and have been a staunch supporter of LBGT for decades.  I have posted several comments on Facebook and have read those posted by others.  There are definitely two sides to the situation, and then probably one right in the middle.  


The middle...that's where I often end up.  It can be both a blessing and a curse, that 'seeing both sides thing'.


I admit I jumped on the bandwagon too, but over the week as I have read others' responses and read articles on the subject, I've really been thinking on it.  Then today, the picture above was posted by a Mom friend from OHS.  It really put the whole thing in perspective for me.  It makes me realize that if we are going to take a stand on one thing, there are so many more companies and practices in which we all engage that maybe we don't see eye to eye with, or worse yet, we just don't KNOW what they are doing.  


From my observations this week and the knowledge I've gathered, CFA does a whole lot of GOOD.  Although they don't support gay marriage, they don't seem to openly discriminate or defame anyone either.  Their stand should not really be a surprise for that matter.  


They give back to the community in many ways from fundraising for schools to running a nonprofit organization called WinShape which is dedicated to 'shaping winners', helping to find loving homes for foster children in need.  This was brought to my attention by one of my Facebook friends who made a good point, stating our country seems to 'major in the minors', worrying about the smaller points when there really are so much bigger fish to fry.  Her post and the picture above made me realize that we really do need to widen the lens on our view finder if we are going to start boycotting businesses.  If we are going to severe our relationship with Chick-fil-a, who else do we need to add?


I've also been thinking that to turn our backs on CFA and walk away does not really show us 'turning the other cheek'.  Is walking away really showing the company or their employees that need their jobs anything?  I'm pretty sure Jesus would still be eating chicken sandwiches. I posted yesterday that I felt the difference between not supporting CFA but still being friends with people who didn't necessarily stand with our beliefs was different in the fact that because CFA is a business, we can CHOOSE where we decide to spend our money and lend our support.  I do still believe that, but I've had time to realize that doing that just might not be the best choice.  


All this said, I'm still not totally sure how I feel about this.  I know where I stand personally and I'll be the first in line to stand up for GLBT rights or rights for all, for that matter.  Nothing makes me madder than to be in a group of people and to hear someone throwing out a derogatory remark about a minority or talking about others as if they are 'less-than'.  In fact, this just happened to me last night and I continue to be amazed by the narrow-mindedness of others.  If I walk away and insulate myself in a group where everyone believes just as I, will anything really change?  Will any of us learn to respect each other and our differences?  Will walking away teach anyone tolerance or love?  I don't know, but it's certainly made me think  My stand on equality is firm and unshakable.  I just think that this CFA thing is so not either/or. 


Will I be driving through the local CFA drive-thru??  On that, the jury is still out.