Just Show Up

Last week, I sat at a memorial service for a dear friend.  She was a friend I'd not known nearly as long as many others in my life, but she touched me dearly and deeply.  In just a span of little more than 6 years, she became enmeshed in my life as perfectly as a beautifully knitted and comfortable sweater. 

Linda became so many things to me.  She was like a sister, friend and mother, all rolled into one.  She always met you, just where and how you needed her to be.  Linda was little more than 10 years my senior, but I'd missed sharing so much of that "ideal" mother-daughter relationship with my own mother, that Linda, without even trying, just filled that emptiness and let me experience what I needed to, never realizing the joy she was giving.  Linda was way too young to die, but in her short time here, she did so much good.  

Although public speaking is not my thing, I am much more comfortable in the coziness of my writing, I was so honored and humbled to have been asked to say something at her memorial service and to have the opportunity to share what a blessing she was to me and so many others. As I sat down to write what I would say, it wasn't hard because every thought that came to me was of so much good.  

One by one, each person got up to say something about this beautiful person, and a recurring theme became evident.  There was never a thing Linda was asked, where her answer wasn't "YES".  More often than not, Linda was there without ever even being asked, and sometimes without being known.  She didn't do her work for recognition or praise.  She did it because it was the thing to do and it gave her true joy. In listening to each tribute, I realized that Linda was so much more than I'd ever realized.  Her heart was open and overflowing and she just showed up...always.  

As I sat there listening with tears streaming down my face, I reflected on how often I might have offered to help, or told someone to call if they needed anything, but I am not sure how often I've just showed up. Linda showed that to me personally, and I saw it in the way she lived it over and over again.  I thought back on how during Palmer's illness some years ago, people did just that...they showed up, without my ever having to ask.  I probably wouldn't have ever asked for what I needed; so people that are just there with open arms truly are a blessing.

I have always considered myself somewhat of a giver, almost to a fault, but in listening to the stories of Linda's life, I realize that she was a giver from an entirely different place.  Linda gave openly and freely.  Linda never expected anything back, nor felt any animosity or frustration about where her giving took her; probably because there was never any secondary agenda.  She was just doing what was right and good. She gave from the core of her being and the bottom of her heart.  I truly believe if there was anyone that loved and lived like God would want us to, it was Linda.


Lastly, I realized that the last time I spent time with Linda was last fall, after one of our counting Sundays at church.  We'd finished tallying the offering and had talked about getting together one Sunday after church. Unfortunately, she got sick shortly after that.  Although I kept in contact through texts, emails and notes and cards, letting her know I cared, was thinking about her and was keeping her in prayers; I never just showed up.  I so wanted to see her and talk with her, just be with her. But I didn't want to "bother" her; maybe she wouldn't be up to a visitor, maybe she'd be sleeping, so many thoughts of why I should wait.  But I realized in never showing up, I missed my chance to say goodbye.  I hope that she knew how much I loved her/

I have thought quite a bit about all of this over the last month since I first got the news that Linda had passed away. I know regret is a useless emotion, but I do believe that there is a gift in the lesson that we can take away.  I hope that now when I see an opportunity or a need, or especially a moment to share with someone I care about, I won't hesitate...I'll just show up.

She was gift to everyone who knew her.

Kira and I had stopped for a quick bite before her volleyball practice.  One of her favorite places to eat was Chipotle.  It was a healthier choice and right on the way to volleyball, so it always made sense. I had just opened up the shiny foil on that big fat burrito and had taken my first bite.  Kira sat across from me about half finished.  She'd started ahead of me and  I'd thought we'd be sharing one burrito, but she'd had other ideas, so I'd ordered my own.  As I took the second bite, I glanced at the incoming messages on my iPhone. I saw one from Good Shepherd, my home church, for a prayer request.  I received email requests most days asking for prayer for everything from a struggling family who'd lost a job to a doctor's skill in a tricky operation to peace for a family who'd lost a loved one.  Although I often did not personally know many of those requesting prayer, each time I received one, I tried to stop in my busyness and say a prayer for them and also a prayer of thankfulness for what seemed like an abundance of blessings in my own life.  This time, as I glanced at that request, my breath was taken away.  For a moment,  everything stopped.  My hunger and the joviality of the moment gone, I wrapped up my meal and just stared at the email on my phone.

"Linda Horst claimed the promise of resurrection today."  

I know this was supposed to be an uplifting message, but it wasn't.  Linda wasn't supposed to be gone. I knew she'd been struggling with pancreatic cancer, which I knew was one of the most evil, but I just knew Linda was going to be okay.  We were still going to meet for that lunch we'd been talking about.  I mean, wasn't it just a year ago, while Linda and I were counting the Sunday offering, that she was all excited, telling me all about the new curtains and furniture that she'd chosen for her sweet little townhouse??  How many times had she talked about her dear little Thomas, the grandchild that was the apple of her eye?  How could all that be DONE??  I felt heartbroken and devastated.   

Although Linda wasn't much older than I, she was so wise and knowing and I always looked up to her, almost like a mother-figure.  She filled in so many empty spaces in my life that I'd known had not been tended.  She was everything anyone would want in a mother.  I am so often the giver, but Linda was one of those people that filled my cup (and everyone else's) over and over again.  She had so much beauty and wisdom where the light just shined through her.  I felt like she always had it all under control and just in the security of one of her hugs could make everything okay. 

Nothing ever seemed like a challenge or a hardship for her, even though I am sure at times she was tired and overwhelmed.  Anytime I ever reached out to her for anything, she was almost there before I was finished asking.  Often, she showed up before I even knew I needed her.  She was a gift and she just knew.  

When I was going  through an especially overwhelming time several years ago in cleaning out my parents' home of 35 years and getting it ready to go on the market, Linda was there with me through the whole thing. Week after week, she showed up.  She went through years of trash and treasure, (but mostly trash), carried so many boxes and bags down two flights of stairs, made runs to the dump, just doing the mess of what I had to get through.  To this day, I am still not sure I would have survived through it without her help, but mostly without her love, friendship and encouragement.  Even on the last night before it all had to be out, Linda was with us well after midnight, helping us move my sister and her kids to their new place.  I couldn't understand this grace. Such  undeniable, unconditional love and giving touched me, and I could accept it as she gave it with such humility and graciousness.  I am still awed at such selflessness.  I know I am not alone in my story.  I heard her speak often of friends she was helping or other things she was doing to ease someone else's load.  Everything she did, well it just seemed like it came from the fullness of a joyful, giving heart.  If there was anyone that truly walked and worked like Jesus would want us to, it was Linda.   

Linda was just one of those people that was a gift to everyone she knew. She was one of the kindest people I've ever known. I first met Linda when I returned to a church that I used to attend before our move to Jacksonville.  Linda was one of the first people to greet me and make me feel welcome.  I never came in the door again that she didn't have a smile and one of her warm hugs waiting for me.  I do not think it will ever feel quite the same again, walking into Wistar Hall and not seeing her there.  making the world better along the way.  

She was truly a dear and amazing soul.  She lived as a shining example of leading a life of loving, giving and service,

I do not believe God ever takes someone because He needs an angel, but I've no doubt that now Linda's precious soul is in in His heaven, she is an angel to everyone that knew her, smiling down on all the love that she left in each of us.  

God rest your soul, sweet Miss Linda.  I love you my beautiful friend and I will truly miss you dearly.  ♥